3 Common issues for siblings of children with special needs

A major gap in the special needs community is the absence of services for siblings of children with special needs. Growing up with a disabled brother or sister is a unique experience that not many can understand. Sometimes the parent has a hard time relating to the neurotypical sibling because the experience is so specific. The trouble with this experience is that it often goes unnoticed during the stress of providing for a child with disabilities.

You could be the most attentive parent in the world and your neurotypical child may still have difficulties of their own because of their experiences at home. The fact of the matter is: siblings have their own emotional reactions to their disabled brother or sister every. single. day. Here are some common reactions and experiences of siblings of children with special needs.

Feeling pressure to be “perfect”

Like it or not, your neurotypical child sees your daily struggle with your disabled child. As a result, siblings will sometimes feel the need to be perfect so they don’t add to your struggle. Siblings often don’t want to seem like a burden, particularly compared to their high-need brother or sister. This is an incredibly difficult place to be because kids aren’t supposed to be perfect. Kids are supposed to need their parents - that’s why it’s called parenting! Unfortunately, perfectionism can develop in siblings at a young age because they see how “over-needed” their parents are. 

Having to be the “bigger person” and possibly resenting it

It’s no secret that children with disabilities can become frustrated or upset and not know how to manage their feelings. It’s quite typical of a disabled child. However, there can be trouble when poorly managed feelings are directed at the sibling. Maybe their disabled brother still can’t share. Or maybe the sibling turned a light on and their sister’s sensory issues were triggered. 

Siblings can be on the receiving end of a variety of feelings and behaviors. Most of the time, they’re expected to be the bigger person. This presents its own issues, because the sibling has to tolerate behavior that, in other settings, would be corrected or considered unacceptable. Long term exposure to being the bigger person can lead to resentment toward their disabled sibling. This could be a reason why one of the most popular disability-related searches on google is “I hate my disabled sibling” or “I hate my special needs sibling.”

Mental health issues

It’s no surprise that siblings can have difficulties with their own mental health. However, it’s important to keep in mind that mental health issues can arise for related or unrelated reasons to their siblings with special needs. 

Sometimes, children with disabilities can be unpredictable. They can over-respond or under-respond to issues at home. This can create anxious feelings in their siblings when they don’t know what to expect or feel afraid of their sibling. They can also feel anxious about other related things (like their disabled brother or sister has to go to the hospital again) or unrelated things (a scary teacher at school makes them nervous). 

Depression is also common. Again, regardless of how involved parents are, siblings have their own emotional reactions to their disabled brothers or sisters. Siblings can develop depression for a number of reasons: seeing their sibling go through pain, seeing their sibling get a lot of attention, not being able to do certain activities because their sibling can’t go, etc. Keep in mind that depression can develop for unrelated reasons too, like having a hard time in school. 

The impact of disability on siblings is unique to each person

Every child is different and it's hard to speculate in advance what kind of reaction a neurotypical sibling might have to their disabled brother or sister. No two siblings will have the same reaction despite sharing similar life circumstances. While it’s hard to anticipate, it’s helpful to know what kinds of common reactions siblings have so parents can keep an eye out for them.